I am typing this n hope i wun breakdown and cry. Havent really told anyone about what has been happening. Its was hard, to talk about him and not tear. But i know i have to get it out and really let him go..
He was in ttsh for abt 2 mths since May. There was something growing in his esophagas, that din allow him to eAt anything, not even porridge. He was fed with only nutritional milk thru his nose. First time i went to the hospital and saw the tube thru his nose, i was shocked. We werent close. Maybe only visited him once a mth. I don’t rem he was that skinny when i saw him earlier. There was nth the doc can do. He was old n too weak to go thru operation. There was no alternative. He was discharged aft 1.5 mths. We needed someone trained to inject the fluid to the tube thru his nose so we had no choice but to put him up in a nursing home.
Went to visit him for a couple of times. Everytime i was there, he would tell me that he is very hungry and begged me to buy food for him or send him home. It was not easy but for his good, he had to stay in the home. He was even tied up, cos he attempted to sneak home. he could talked, he recognised me, he was just weak.
Last wed, my aunt went to visit him. The nurse told him that he had runs for the past few days, but had stopped that day. He cried to my aunt that he was aching all over and pleaded for her to send him home or to ttsh. She was worried but thought nth of it as he told these to everyone who visited him all these time. She told the nurses to take note of his condition, n to inform us shld his condition worsen. Last friday noon, my dad received a call frm the nursing home, saying that they had call an ambulance to send my grandpa to ttsh cos he was dizzy. My dad probed further abt his condition, and was finally told that they failed to wake him up since morning. Apparently, he slipped into coma.
I was at work that friday. It was close to 6pm and i was happily thinking of whr to go/eat for a fri night. My dad called and told me to take leave for this week. He said ah gong was in the hospital and was v critical. I tried to control my tears n rushed down immd
When i reached, my dad, bro, and all my grandfather,s children was there. All eyes were red n teary. I went to his bed side my mum was calling out to him, ” pa, dun sleep, we are going home ” in hokkien. I leaned forward, wanting to call out to him, but my tears were falling uncontrollably. Shortly, the docs came for a checkup. Docs n nurses coming in and out of the ward. We were all praying outside. One of the doc came out and told us to be mentally prepared. Like what u see in shows. His kidneys and liver has stop functioning, they injected smth that can keep him gng n eased his pain for 5 days without the oxygen tank so we could bring him. They made the arrangement and we all took the cars, and rushed off the my ah ma’s hse. My dad was speeding, and a call came. He spoke in hokkien, i didnt understand except for one line. He said ” pa, ki liao ” meaning he has left n his bro told him to head home first. I cried all the way home.
My first time, losing someone close in my life, feels so painful. The pain was excruciating. I Couldnt slp at night. I knw my parents din as well
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The wake starts on Sunday. We reached in the morning and did the ritual. On our knees, swallowing my tears, i shouted ” gong, 回家了 “. Everytime i had to call out to him, i feel my heart tearing apart. Everything there was a ritual, everytime we prayed, when we burnt the offerings, i told myself dont cry, for he is nw at a better place. But its nt easy u knw. Walking ard his coffin, talkin to him and all.
On tues, was the most heart wrenching day. We walked and throwing 金纸 around his coffin the morning, already had most of us tearing so badly. We walked his last journey and it was downpouring. Was it tears or the rain rolling dwn our faces…
His body was to be cremented shortly. We offered our last respect, bowed 4 times and bid goodbye to him for the last time. Standing at the viewing hall, it was a total silence. When my aunt shouted ” 爸,你快点走 ” tears flowed. I cried so so bad, i couldnt stop. We stayed in the hall, till we stopped crying. When we walked out, everybody wiped our tears n then it din feel so bad surprisingly. Maybe cos we all knw that we had to let him go.
He is in heaven, where he can eat and move ard freely. He left us physically, but will always be with us in our heart.
my ah gong
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I was worried for my dad. He din shed a tear but i know it mus hv been very hard for him. I am glad he has a group of friends with him.
My dad always spend alot of time outside, Drinking with his friends. I always wonder why he had to entertain so many friends. But the day he lost his father, i finally see it. His frenz reached the wake even before we did on the first day, doing set up, etc. Some did nth, but physically they were there. For the past nights, they came every single night after work. Helped to serve the people who came to pay respect, cleared the tables etc. To be honest, my cousins were not even helping out. They left as soon as the prayers ended. But my dad’s friends did. They never fail to stay till we left. On the very last day, they were still w us. With or without umbrellas, they walked my grandpa’s last journey with us.
There are many other ppl to thank for being by our side these few days, those who cant be here but sent their condolences / contributed 白金. Thanks.
U knw who you are